Knitted Eyebrows

June 17, 2016

I watched a drama.

Throughout the drama, there was a girl who never got mad at anyone.  Even the girl who ruined her life, the boy who ruined her life, everything that took her wealthy away, her company, the love of her life, she never got mad at anything.  I questioned her–isn’t she at least a little mad?

She was upset, but never really showed it.  I got upset, too, because it was just so frustrating how she could just forgive people like that.  I rolled my eyes at the antagonists and cursed a million times in my mind.  But she always had that helpess face on– the same one every time– that said– my bad.

I asked myself if I would be doing the same.  Maybe not.  But there is one thing that I am sure of: I have never gotten mad at anyone, none of my friends, my family, or my boyfriend.  I never start fights.  Do I sound like an angel?  Maybe.

 

As I type this with knitted eyebrows, I ask myself, why is it that I never get mad at people?  Today, I finally thought of an answer.  Is it because of my personality?  Is it because of my experiences?  Or because I am selfish and afraid?  Or because I’m just one twisted, nasty devil?  It’s everything combined.

I remember that throughout my life, people have always gotten mad at me.  There were always friends or family members who would give me the cold shoulder, yell at me, take away my rights, hit me, …

not talk to me for ages…

It is that feeling that I get– that knitted eyebrow feeling when I know that something is coming about.  That feeling that the person next to me is getting pissed at something I just said or something I said.  That feeling that a fight is about the break.  Like the break of dawn and the break of silence, when thousands of birds fly into the sky because someone has dropped something– like that one moment when everything will fly into chaos.  It’s that feeling that I want to avoid.  I hate it; I don’t like it.

That is why I don’t get mad at anyone.  Because I don’t want to spread that same, bad feeling.


There is a lump in my throat that I could not get rid of.  I looked it up– the most common cause is stress.  It’s the stress that has been building up, leaving me with nothng to hide, nothing to do, nothing to talk about.  It’s that stress that makes me want to cry.  That lump in my throat is telling me– it’s ok.  I’m here, whenever you want to cry.  And whenever you finish crying, I’m out of here.

I haven’t cried, I haven’t let anything out.  Do I want to torture myself?  Keep that lump in my throat? I ask myself.  It’s not that.  It’s just that I don’t know why that lump is getting bigger and bigger. I don’t even know why it’s there in the first place.  But whenever my brain goes into override mode I go into the darkness again and that lump simultaneously begs at me to help let it out.  But I don’t.  Because I genuinely cannot notice anything in my life that is causing it.  I want to get rid of it, but I don’t know where to start

 

I Wanted

June 5, 2016

Every time I see a group of friends, I think back to when I was in High School, spending every moment of my life away thinking, when I am in college, I will have friends.  I won’t ever have to spend lunch in the bathroom, sobbing.  I won’t ever have to pretend that I have to stay in the library because I got a huge project to do.  I won’t ever have to make fake posts on Facebook to pretend that I am not alone.  I will have a large cohort  of tall, skinny, brunette friends: the scenario keeps playing and replaying in my head like a rewinded advertisement. Four friends, walking out of a cafe, at around twelve o clock, one hand touching the handbag, faces turned toward each other, laughing because of something that someone just said.  Our long, wavy hair blowing in the wind.  Four attractive girls, best friends, just walking.  One friend has class at 5, so we would have to get back early, or we would have to leave her.  We would spend the late hours of twilight out at town, just us.  Young girls barely 20, in college, prime of their life.

 

That was all I hoped for, in high school.  I remembered thinking, be sociable, outward, friendly.  Then, people would like you, and you would have a group of friends who would support you no matter what, the ones that would smile at you for no apparent reason, and you would smile back.

 

I knew that there would be a chance that nothing would change.  So i developed another scenario: I would be a loner, an outright loner.  I don’t have to talk to anyone in class, or even know anyone.  I don’t have to say a single word, and just get on with my life through college, get a job.  Although now I know that I can’t get a job without networks, one thing still strikes me as counteractive: I falsely assumed that this kind of life would make me happy.

 

I have always thought of myself as someone who would not be bothered being lonely, someone who would rather read a book, or write in a nearby coffee shop until night breaks.  I wouldn’t have to socialize.  But every time I pass my library walk seeing people hand out flyers, their poor, waving hands, and their strained throats, I take pity on myself rather than them.  Because I know that they are part of an organization, and they have tons of friends.  They are happy.

 

Me?

 

I have changed my major two times, the first I was a writing major.  Oftentimes I wonder if I should have just stuck to that major, so I could be that isolated writer that I have always wanted to be, that girl, would long brown hair, the pretty freckles, eating a bagel in france and writing on her notebook.

But other than that, I haven’t achieved anything in college.

 

In this huge campus, all I can feel is loneliness.  It reflects the days I spent during elementary school.  I had immense trouble making friends, to the point where I kind of blame my mom for not taking me to the psychiatrist.  I could not speak, back then.  It was hard.  And even when I did, it was inaudible.  One painful memory came — well, not the most painful, but agonizing– memory, of one time I finished my work early and I made the resolve to get out of seat and hand it to the teacher, since that was what she told us to do when we have finished.  But just as I got out of seat, she got out of hers, and she started walking around, examining the students’ process, answering students’ questions at every table.  What I did was I followed her around the classroom, looping around the classroom almost two times, until she finally turned her back, or I finally spoke up, and I gave her my work, awkwardly.  I remember trying to get the words out of mouth– to say it once, just loud enough for her to hear, but when they came out, it was almost like a whisper that drained in a mountain of sand.  She could not hear me, but I could hear my heartbeat racing, pouring out of my stomach.

But at the end of the day, she turned her back and received my work, and I went back to my seat.

 

Everyday was very lonely.  I spent five years in elementary school sitting on the benches– and I remember– I would fake it until I made it.  I would put out my b***** face, and pretend that everything was fine.  I remember that I would pretend that everyone were lowlys and I was the perfect, pretty queen, and I did not have to talk to anyone.  In truth, I just–couldn’t. Talk to anyone.

 

Fastforward a little over a decade and I’m here, typing this on WordPress.  I felt the need to write about this because I have been thinking about this.  At first, I pitied myself, that little kid who couldn’t talk, who sat on a bench for five years straight during recess and lunch.

I still pity myself, a little bit.

 

I still wish I could  write this in a public space, have a stranger notice that i was typing and inadvertently peek at what I was writing, and comment on it, and hug me, and be my friend that I could count on, and bring in a whole bunch of friends so we could laugh together and go to the beach together and play card games together.

Til this day, I am still looking for that stranger.  And I don’t—- I really, don’t want to be alone.

 

 

October 12, 2012

October 12, 2012

It’s kind of fun going back here and reading my old posts from 8th grade.  I was so bad.

AJ =[

February 3, 2010
A

ndrew Jackson lived an interesting life throughout his lifetime.  He was the seventh president of the United States. Jackson survived many obstacles, but he solved them the hard way. He was born into poverty with 2 brothers and one mom. Since he was a kid, he would get into fights usually with the stronger and older children. He still was as rough when he defended his wife and when he took office. During presidency, President Andrew Jackson also forced thousands of Indians down the Trail of Tears and he also mistreated his slaves. Despite all the bad things he did, many people and historians believe that Jackson was a strong president that stood up for his people.

Young Andrew’s life appealed to many people. He was born on March 15, 1776 in Waxhaw, South Carolina. He was raised in the Hermitage after Jackson’s dad( Andrew  Jackson) died a few weeks before Andrew was born while lifting a log.  Then, his mother(Elizabeth Hutchinson) took Andrew and his two brothers to live with their aunt Jane Crawford and Uncle William Crawford. There, Elizabeth worked as a housekeeper. When Andrew was old enough for school, Elizabeth sent him to the Waxhaw Church Academy. He learned to read at the age of five and write by the age of eight. Andrew Jackson was constantly involved in fights especially with older kids. He loved sports more than school work.  In 1779, sixteen-year-old Hugh (Andrew’s brother) and thirteen-year-old Andrew enlisted in the battle of Stone Ferry, where Americans drove the British back to Georgia. They tried to avoid the British by hiding in their cousin Thomas Crawford’s house. There, they were captured as prisoners. Unfortunately, Andrew was told to clean the General’s boots. Because he refused, the British General sliced his hand and forehead in return. Hugh got sliced as well too. They lay in prison for two weeks with infected injuries until their mother came to Camden to rescue them. She offered a prisoner trade. Hugh died on the way home while Andrew gradually recovered. After the surrender at Yorktown, he was notified that his mom had died of Cholera. In 1784, Jackson decided he wanted to become a lawyer after his experience with previous jobs. Later, he went to Salisbury, Tennessee to study law under Spruce McCay. He became a successful lawyer and solved cases that were usually related to land disputes, sales, debts, battery, and assaults. Jackson stayed in the Donelson stockade. He made friends and fell in love with a woman named Rachel Donelson.  They soon married, but they made a divorce later on because her divorce with her other husband wasn’t finalized. In January 1794, they remarried. One day, he put up a fight with a man named Charles Dickinson because he criticized Andrew’s wife. Charles shot first, missing his heart by an inch. Suddenly, Andrew shot back, shooting Dickinson to the ground. Jackson never removed the bullet that was located in his chest. Besides being a president, Andrew Jackson had more jobs: lawyer[1798-1804], House of Representatives[1796-1797], U.S. senator[1797-1798], Governor of Florida Territory[1821], and finally U.S. senator[1823-1825].  Before taking office as president, he became widely known as the Hero of The Battle of New Orleans when he successfully defended the city. Because he was brave and strong, people called him “Old Hickory”. His friends encouraged him to run for president because of his great popularity. He felt that he’s not fit to be president, and he was right. In the election of 1824, he lost to John Quincy Adams. His supporters grew furious and made sure that he would win the presidential election of 1828. In the election of 1828, Andrew Jackson won John Q. Adams by a landslide.

Jackson had two terms: 1829-1837. He was a democratic president and his vice president was John C. Calhoun[1829-1832] for the first term. His vice president was Martin Van Buren[1833-37] during his second term. Jackson played the role of the president awkwardly. He didn’t count on his formal cabinet for advice. Instead, he used a Kitchen Cabinet, which is formed by Jackson’s group of friends and supporters. They would go to the kitchen to discuss certain things. People grew suspicious and accused one of the Kitchen Cabinet advisors a liar. Andrew Jackson took place in the Nullification Crisis when people refused to pay higher taxes. On December 28, 1832, Calhoun demanded that a state has the right to secede from the Union if they are not allowed to avoid taxes. As much as Jackson cared about the states’ and peoples’ rights, he thought that this exceeded the rights granted in the constitution. Being notified about the nullification, Jackson threatened to send thousands of troops down South Carolina to enforce the rule, if he needs to. People wizened up and quickly followed the new tariff rule. On March 2, 1833, South Carolina agreed to sign the Compromise Tariff. There was another problem that Andrew had to solve mercilessly. In 1829, Georgia passed a law which disables Indians to own land and to govern themselves. When the Cherokee protested to the federal government, John H. Eaton told them to go all the way to the west and move out of the United States. Jackson supported the Removal Act of 1830 in which all the Indians in the twenty-four states had to be removed. The Indians had to move west of the Mississippi River, which is now called Oklahoma. Then, the Indians we forced to sign the treaty so the removal can be legalized.  Over the winter of 1838-1839, Indians trudged on the ground barefoot, with no warm blankets or horses to ride on. It is known as the Trail of Tears. Georgia’s fifteen thousand Indians disappeared. During the march to the Indian Territory, a quarter of them died along the way. Now, the twenty-four states were clean of Indians.

Jackson retired as president at the end of his second term. Unluckily, a man named Richard Lawrence shot him on his way home. Jackson survived an assassination attempt at the U.S. Capitol. Still, after Jackson has left office, he was interested in politics. He supported the annexation of Texas and James. K. Polk because he had supported Jackson back when he was president. He had written letters to show his concern of Texas, but he received no reply. When Andrew Jackson reached 78 years, he suffered of consumption, dropsy, and tubercular hemorrhaging. As his friends and family were weeping around his death bed, his old buddy Sam Houston rushed in, but it was too late. Jackson was dead before he was notified that Texas has finally been annexed. His last words were” Oh, do not cry, be good children and we shall meet in heaven. ”. Many Historians believe that Jackson was indeed a good president because he tried to stand up for the poor. Although he accepted slavery and didn’t honor the rights of the Native Americans, he accomplished a lot for the American People in his terms. To me, I think Andrew Jackson was a great president and an ideal role model who built his successful life on his own.

New Moon

November 21, 2009

I shoud be doing my bibliography and learn how to do one. but, I’m going to do “New Moon”

 

Ive heard it is great. But now I’m jealous. I probably would skip it. But, I can still live,love,learn. New Moon is just entertainment, with fake people in it, machinery, computer, camera, people, story…..JACOB. But, It’s not going to ruin my life, really. I’ve never said I was really obsessed with it. AAANNNDDD. then you people come and say that you’re watching new moon with so and so and someone else comes and says they’re watching new moon at pacific theare with her and her and girl asks emo if he’s gonna watch Twilight and blah and blah and I’m not watching it?!?!?  I feel so sorry for myself. Im stuck at home, writing some five pages that I’m already done with while everyones…… Agh I’m not jealous. Just that I don’t want to hear what other people said about New Moon and spoil how hot Jacob looked like and, guess what: MY TEACHER IS EVEN GOING TO WATCH NEW MOON!! What kind of person am I, this 30 year old dude goes to watch twilight and I’m sitting here…………………………………………………………………………………………. And, New Moon. When i said it would be the best movie ever I mean it. And now I’m not seeing it. No i cant fck my mom for no letting me go at the first place. Well, to be honest with you, I really dont want to go with my friend because she’s going to go with her other mexican friends. And, you know how racist they are. And look who’s not texting me back. And I would write a 5-page article about how I’d skip NewMoon, but, you know, I take only a minute doing this and I’d take an hour to do a whole page when the…………………………………………………………………………………………….

If my grandma goes to watch New Moon too, please kill me.

You know I’m just kidding.

November 21, 2009

Lets start with the good news first.

-i HAVEN’T SEEN JESSICA ALL DAY! Well at least she didn’t bother me. But i managed to stay laughing.

-I have someone else to “bully

 

i dont know if this is good or bad.

1. Evelyn likes the dude Valerie “hates”

2.Valerie might be liking Luis, the guy that Evelyn likes.

3.Valerie – only “hates” him bcuz he says her hair is pretty and plays with her hair and they see each other every day…

4.Hahahaha. Once i say it, It does sounds like Luis likes Val, doesnt it?

5.Hahahahaha. Then Evelyn would get jealous.

6. They are STILL filming a tv program called numb3rs. geesh. They take so long.

But now i have something to tease them both with. Valerie’s head runs slow. She can’t figure anything about me. What if her best friend is a Vampire?

I dont have anymore good news.

I can’t go watch new moon. That’s on my head now. I’ve told it several times to different people. Im tired. I just do stupid bibliography then…. due monday.

-bad news?

Hmm.

1. I’ve become a texting addict.

2. I dont know how to throw spirals at leyii

3. I still dont get football. How does Andy even live every lunch and nutrition with football,football,football? I hurt leyii’s fingers, by the way. cuz she wont catch “non-spirals” I admit, I’m bad at every sport.LOL

 

You know, I hate Saturday and Sunday. I can only live it because Jessica is out of my sight.

This just makes me upset.

November 20, 2009

There’s two types of cries. The happy one, and the mad one.

You don’t cry because you’re sad.

But after a while, you forget all the hurt you’ve been through today.

Then they hurt you the next day and you cry.

You don’t cry because you’re all sensitive.

Everyone lets it out .

And people only think they are crying because they’re so happy. No.

It’s because they’re upset.People let it allllll out when they have the chance.

That feel in your throat, the first punch you get when you start sobbing.

That first punch hurts the most. Then when you go home and cry in your bed and feel so much as to rip your pillow in half, you just can’t.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What’s so horrible about my life?

Jessica.

I hate Jessica.

She’s horrid.

She’s same as a puny six-grader getting into a fight with a mature eighth grader.

Omg.Heaven knows she’s 14 years old and she still behaves like “oh, im jealous, so i have the authority to hit you.”

Hey, her punches hurt.

Everything she says makes me feel bad.

Everything i say gets it even worse.

Everytime i hit her it gets worse.

She’s a fat glob of blob. Of course it doesn’t hurt. What are my throws to her?

I’m weak, I’m little. I can’t handle anything.I admit it.

If only she would stop using her fckn hands!

I mean, what could a fat person do? It’s in her genes, to be shorter and waaaaay fatter than me.

Sometimes It’s like she’s not joking.At all.

“Just stop pushing me and I’m ok.”

I consider this bullying. Do i feel suicidal because of this? Yesh. The 13 year old is majorly offended and wants to kill herself.

i dont mind. because, this is already hell to me.

November 18 2009

November 19, 2009

So I gave valerie some really gross questions. Im going to write her more! I want to rreeeeaally go watch new moon. i need to tell my mom. but i dont want to go there with HER! What if she complains about how pg13 it is???  *ahh she really brightens my day. So, the guy i was trying to “stalk” is in Val’s P.E. class. And I Never Knew. Ugh . Well didnt I say that i was going to give up on tracking him down? I know, I’m more than weird. Wooo New Moon,….

So yeah there had been alot of fights going around in this Nightingale M.S. , so freakin dean thought that we might :learn” something from this program called SECOND STEP. Oh how i hate doing second step. Oh yeah, i still need to do my report, haha. Well I got switched to another science class, Mr.Carillo’s 8th grade science, but that was a week ago news,NO.., it wasnt a honors class. But i consider myself smart.

First Period

yes, I’m Going To Write Everything  That happens to Me Like Anne.

But, right now, all i can think of is how itchy my head is. OMG. So Guiterrez showed us a pop-up film, about a sudden rocking shair and a sudden pop-up ghost that screamed and giselle screamed like we were all going to die. We should have listened to it with higher volume. But i had already watched the dam pop up movie. lol. Guiterrez is a cool teacher

Second Period

CARILLO!! He’s a weird teacher. And Karen and Virginia laughed at that. *sigh* all we’re still learning about are interactions and forces, we had a quiz today. o.o And he ate a churro from the trashcan. He gave oscar a dollar for improving his grade so significantly. HAh. He’s funny also. And, yesh, he still owes vanessa chocolate. The whole class is dumb… no doubt.

to be continued after i watch the movie.

Woooooo; i just joined

November 18, 2009

I just joined wordpress when i have an essay due. *just 4 more pages*

who cares; a person needs relaxing time ,ehh ?

 

*how do you workk this thing??*

what do i do….in this website…

 

So ive been reading Anne Frank’s Diary and i thought it might be exciting to copy her. but wat war IS this???

lol

I’m sleepy. yes. 9:23 pm. and i call that sleep time.hehe. im weird.

the icecream truck didnt come today…. so i didnt get a chance to buy candy *awww shucks* i can’t live without candy.

oh wait. i forgot to do something  for valerie. i need to write her questions. most of them are “would you rather”

but i’ll make them hard. and i just turned 13. woohoo

and i still need to do the page full of “hard” questions for her. luis,walter,andy… heh. same people.good night

i just love the feeling of holding back that smile evryday. I’d miss valerie when i get to high school.maybe a vampire would come and get me. who knows? p.s i miss 7th grade also.

I should type with capitals. Makes me look smarter. Laugh out Loud.

Hello world!

November 18, 2009

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